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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.