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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.