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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.