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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?