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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.