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I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.