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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.