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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.