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They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
How Big is Infinity?
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.