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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.