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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
They say love is more important than money. I`d like to see them go and try to pay their bills with a hug.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.