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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...