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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.