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Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?