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Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.