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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Iām classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.