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Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”