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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.