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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”