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Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"