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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.