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I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...