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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.