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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!