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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it