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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.