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Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.