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Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.