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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie