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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
I have off-road rage, too
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.