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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.