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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, Iām forty. I have one.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Iād be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.