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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?