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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.