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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!