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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie