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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.