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If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally