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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors