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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.