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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
Never trust a skinny chef
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking