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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out