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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.