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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..