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Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"