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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.