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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”