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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.