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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.