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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.