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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
The well behaved rarely make history.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.