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Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"