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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Better late than pregnant.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.