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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I only accept apologies in cash.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance