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Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.