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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Finally 21 and now legally able to do things which i have been doing since 15….
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
hilarious
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....