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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.