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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.