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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.