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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My house has really let itself go.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.