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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.