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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
Remember when the world ended last year?
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
I just need someone to feed me and tell me Iām pretty.