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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.