Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time