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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.