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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.