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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some Iād love to punch them in the face.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.