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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.