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First fart at my new job.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
It’s not pretty being easy.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.