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Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!