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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.