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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?