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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.