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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."