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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.