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I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver