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Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.