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Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Do bees even have knees?
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.