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The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Not so great minds also think alike.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.