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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner