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Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun