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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I am going to bed. Good Night :D
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.