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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.