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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........