Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.