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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what