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I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.