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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.