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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?