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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.