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That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.