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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
New day, same old bullsh!t
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.